An Archive?

July 2018

Spent the weekend in my hometown
Went to galleries and walked around
Engaging visits with several old friends
Presented the past through a different lens
Remembered things I used to know
Point to the direction I want to grow

I hope your week off was fun and free
And that now I’m who you want to see
If there was a court you’d have the ball
So no need to procrastinate or stall
Forget your worry, ease my doubt
And just go ahead and ask me out 😉


Many options loom
Lots of projects in my room
Ready to resume


If you check this page today
curious about what I might say,
and if you like what you find
maybe you’ll respond in kind.
You could help avoid a sigh
by acknowledging you came by.
You know I don’t want to vex,
but maybe just a little text?
Doesn’t need to be too grand,
how about a picture of your hand?

I smile, I must say,
Thinking of your muddy play.
You sure made my day. 🙂


June 2018

First coffee in bed
Replaying all that we said
How you fill my head

Strawberries and such
After missing you so much
And then there’s your touch…

So glad we could meet
Together talk, smile, and eat
Indeed it was sweet


There once was a girl with a crush,
Who was in way too much of a rush.
She flew off too fast,
Made mistakes that would last,
Then all she could do was blush. 😉

 


I know it is foolish to assume
you’re curious what I do or with whom,
but I guess if you have gotten this far
it is safe to proceed like you are…

If indeed I know you well,
you have put this in excel.
Too much help would not be fair,
but are you using all the numbers there?


Wake up alone
Reach for my phone
Check just to see
Is there a message for me?

I should not admit
How my heart skips a bit
When I see one is there
Will it show that you care?

Make myself wait
This will have to sate
Though often I seek
Only get one a week

Your words are so few
Let’s go to the zoo?
To YouTube I click
Try to remember the flick

Watch the whole scene
Is there a clue I can glean?
Does it tell how you feel?
Share something real?

But it’s just a quote
Not something you wrote
I look at the ceiling
Wonder what you are feeling

Imagine I was right there
Fingers in your hair
Wake you with a kiss
Would you like it like this?

Would you pull me in tight
Say things are alright?
Could we curl up and be lazy?
Or am I just too crazy?

Sigh, here comes the doubt
Is it wrong to reach out?
Will you say I’m a witch?
Pull away with a twitch?

I have no spells I assure
Just wistful, insecure
I have no idea where you are
Are you near? Are you far?

Please don’t get furious
But still I am so curious
Who and what will you see?
Will you even think of me?

It’s all jumbled in my head
I need to get out of bed
There’s so much to do
But I’ll still think of you

 


Before I leaned in for that kiss,
I asked you if it would lead to this.
You told me that you would lie,
and still I gave it a try.
You have been telling me all along.
Why did I think that you were wrong?
The way you made me feel today
Is why I had to get away
We make time for who we want to see,
So sorry that for you it isn’t me.
Deteriorating, indeed.


Waked again at three
Such weight crushing down on me
Senseless misery


May 2018

Manufactured pain, gouges the soul,
May life be short, and never grow old


April 2018

Head hung, mind in snits,
Unsure about tomorrow
But calmly submits.


December 2017

_____________ you might say,
but at the end of the day
I am quite okay.

Yes, I think you are neat,
but God alone can complete.
You can’t have His seat.

Please don’t condescend,
think I’m desperate for a mend,
just be my dear friend

And I won’t assume
that your heart can be untombed
and for me make room,

This you’re afraid of,
but might fit you like a glove,
acceptance of love.

We can take it slow
explore the ways this could go
it’s worth it to know.


I’ve been here before,
But wait, seems like there is more,
I’m seeing spots for sure.

Ohh, consternation,
Is that precipitation?
Or a dalmatian??

Optimism… bleak,
And then; Sign, Celtic, Morse, Greek!
I was on a streak.

And with fleeting glee,
Set in some reality…
What the hell is ‘T’???

But nevertheless,
Despite continual stress,
Your sweet skills impress.

And ahhh, elation!
Can’t wait for explanation,
Much adoration. 🙂


May not be fated,
but hope that we will always
stay _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ .


Now you know the game
the password can’t be the same
could not be that lame

I won’t be a jerk
but I may want you to work
and on this page lurk

not sure what I’ll do
tonight my words may be few
but here is your clue:

liberal I may be
wanting to help all I see
but a Blank? not me

 


November 2017

the most simple goal
just nine days of self control
i will not reach out

but if you are here
wondering if I think of you
be assured i do

i will not reach out
no text call email or shout
but posts will be here

month month dash day day
dash year year its pretty clear
just your birthday dear ;p


My selfish desire
like an unquenchable fire
seems never to tire

Good men were content
and it was not my intent
this pain i have sent

Both knew what would be
before tornado of me
set so much hell free

So now there are tears
more uncertainty and fears
the guilt of it sears

I wish i could lie
or mind and heart purified
do more than just sigh

I know it makes sense
to stay this side of the fence
without love immense

To roll it back in
no more temptation or sin
repentance begin

But God knows whats true
a lying heart He eschews
and I adore you


 Did you really read all the way down to the end of this page? Does it give you pleasure to read my words or do you flagellate yourself with them? I write them (at least most of them) because I want to make you smile, to make you feel cared for, for you to know you are thought about. That is supposed to be a good thing. Am I getting it wrong? Do you want to make me smile, to feel cared for, for me to know I am thought of?  When you texted me from vacation it felt like you did. I know you are busy. I am not trying to be unreasonable. I am trying so hard to stay calm, not jump to crazy conclusions while I wait.  I am just so eager to see you it is hard for me to understand why you don’t seem eager to see me. From where I sit it seems like a text to say you are home from vacation and catching up on a few things seems like it would be almost effortless on your part yet could make such a difference, so again I am left wondering…

 

 

 

One thought on “An Archive?

  1. Alex

    Flatulate myself with your words? What the…? Oh, flagellate. (…Googling…). Flogging myself with your words for sexual gratification? Well yes, but don’t tell anybody… and what the hell are they exposing you to over at the bank where apparently flatulent flogging is acceptable?? And while I envy your time management skills that allow for this exploration and attention; sadly, I do not have the same discipline or luxury of time… and besides trying to catch up, there’s more annoying training on leadering tomorrow and Thursday which I don’t have time for… so I apologize for not communicating, and I took your note as hinting you would have a busy week and weekend too. Jennifer, I don’t really know what to do… I can’t imagine this perpetual roller coaster of emotions that I prompt and the subsequent contemplation are beneficial…

    Reply

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